30.

I turned 30 this year. But I don’t feel like an adult. I still feel stuck in my teenages. So when adult things happen to me, I don’t seem to realise or even take responsibility.

I moved back with my parents yesterday after years of turbulence and trying to figure out life on my own. I would say I messed up pretty bad. I am not financially independent as always, I am unemployed with little skills to offer and low self-esteem, I still have the victim mentality and my long-term relationship ended as well.

Thinking back I never planned my life. I wanted to die once I turned 30. That was my one solid plan. Here I am, at 30, wanting to start over and looking forward to build a life that I had no plans for or expectations even.

I do want to overcome all my fears and insecurities and change for the better. I want to start small and stick with a job. I want to take responsibilities and feel okay in my own skin. I want to stop blaming and work on my mental health and feel close to some wholeness.

I want to stop comparing my life with others and feel small. I want to overcome the feeling that I did not achieve my full potential due to the choices I made as well as due to my childhood trauma. I want to feel enough. I want to be bold enough to imagine a future for me. I want to change all the negative lifescripts and be okay. I just want to be okay. That is what I want at 30. Being okay.

Acceptance.

Running away from my true self has been the story of my life so far. I still do, from things, where I have a lot of recovery work left to be done. This year has been one of a kind. The best I would say. I invested my time to try and get closer to my true self as best as I can. And also to love it and accept it with no constraints whatsoever.

CPTSD makes it so much harder for me to be kind to myself. The mix of the harsh inner critic, perfectionistic tendency, the grandiose narcissistic fleas I carry, the cycle of shame, guilt and depression, the emotional flashbacks and countless other things, makes it mission impossible to accept myself for who I am.

A major part of my recovery in accepting myself has been about allowing myself to feel all the emotions, without any judgment and silencing the inner critic. Verbalisation and reading on related topics has helped me a lot in that sense.

Also to accept oneself, there should be a sense of self. I have always lacked that. I always felt anxious worrying about people seeing through the facade I put out. Now I am able to put these thoughts in words. Earlier they added to the toxic shame I lived with. So the journey of acceptance for me has also been about finding my real self first.