Finding the right help.

I became aware of Complex PTSD only recently. Earlier I dealt with each symptom separately. I tried to get out of depression, I tried to work on my anxiety, I tried to fix my binge eating/junk eating, I tried to calm my racing thoughts with meditation, I used all sorts of productivity hacks to just sit and read etc. I used to become alright and functional for a while but some trigger sets me back to the starting stage. Then I start the binge eating, distracting myself and spacing out and my routine collapses once again and I find myself depressed and anxious all over again.

Since my trauma is relational, I did not seek help or reach out to people or even admit to myself that I was suffering. The more I suffered, the more I focussed on other people’s issues and never spoke about mine. Thanks to the codependency I developed! The more I suffered without knowing why, the more I wanted to hide and never come out. I was like this most of my life but I was functional in societal standards. But the last five years were different. I isolated myself in the name of preparing for an exam and I did not realise what I was doing even. I literally did not connect with humans in real time.

When I ask my family and friends as to why they were not able to reach out to me, I was told that I am difficult to approach and that they did try to reach out. There is truth to that statement and it hurts exactly because of that. All through this, I was always supported financially by my family, especially my elder brother. He had no obligation to do that. But I felt entitled to that help as well. I am seeing my unhealthy ways of thinking as new realisations set in each day. Seeing my loved ones, feel exhausted and hurt after all the enabling they did and still feel blamed by me, is something that I am not proud of.

So I have been trying to seek professional help for the past six months or so. It was a lot of back and forth, lot of retraumatizing and overcoming my own inhibition to admit that I need help or that I was suffering even. I did not have the luck to meet trauma informed counsellors in my area. And affordability is always a factor to consider. But after speaking to five different counsellors, I was finally able to find someone who did not go by the books and was open to listen without judgment. It feels hopeful a bit. It could be because I am finally willing to change as well and not get stuck in my ways maybe. Not wanting to self-sabotage is new to me.

I have reached out to someone who does EMDR as well. Will post the updates on that.

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