Acceptance.

Running away from my true self has been the story of my life so far. I still do, from things, where I have a lot of recovery work left to be done. This year has been one of a kind. The best I would say. I invested my time to try and get closer to my true self as best as I can. And also to love it and accept it with no constraints whatsoever.

CPTSD makes it so much harder for me to be kind to myself. The mix of the harsh inner critic, perfectionistic tendency, the grandiose narcissistic fleas I carry, the cycle of shame, guilt and depression, the emotional flashbacks and countless other things, makes it mission impossible to accept myself for who I am.

A major part of my recovery in accepting myself has been about allowing myself to feel all the emotions, without any judgment and silencing the inner critic. Verbalisation and reading on related topics has helped me a lot in that sense.

Also to accept oneself, there should be a sense of self. I have always lacked that. I always felt anxious worrying about people seeing through the facade I put out. Now I am able to put these thoughts in words. Earlier they added to the toxic shame I lived with. So the journey of acceptance for me has also been about finding my real self first.

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